The next two weeks are tough on big guys

The next two weeks are tough on big guys. Halloween is approaching, and a walk through those seasonal costume shops reveals what you already know, what you knew last year, and what you are sure everybody else knows:

They don’t make costumes for fat guys. Oh sure, there are costumes for tall guys, big athletes, broad-shouldered guys, but not for fat guys.

What to do? Well, you can fall back on the old “I had to work right up until time for the party and couldn’t go home to change” routine. Or you can take the bull by the horns and work what you have. You’re a fat guy. Make it play.

Sumo Wrestler

This one takes some brass. But it doesn’t take much else. Traditional sumo garb is called a mawashi. It is a thick 30-foot long belt that is wrapped around the body and knotted in the back. A bedsheet or old curtain can be repurposed for this. Perhaps a dark wig and topknot could be used, as well.

If you do this, you will win prizes at parties. Walk tall.

Peter Griffin

Green pants; black belt; brown shoes; white, long-sleeve shirt with sleeves rolled up past the elbow, tucked in over the gut; glasses. Part your hair to the side. Find a guy to wear a chicken costume and wreck the party fighting with you, and you got it made.

Uncle Fester

This Addam’s Family fave is basically a monk robe with a rope belt. The real trick is in the makeup. Go with eyeliner, mascara, dark makeup around the eye sockets. A bald cap is a must. Then you have to liberally use “clown white” stage makeup all over everything above your collar except the eyes. Bring a lightbulb to hold in your mouth, especially if you can find one of those gag bulbs from a joke shop that will light up.

If you are thinking about this one, read up on Jackie Coogan, the actor who played Fester in the TV series. The guy was a fascinating person who hugely popular as a child actor, has a law named after him in California to this day, and flew missions behind enemy lines in plywood glider planes during World War II.

Fat Albert

White collared shirt, red sweater, blue pants or jeans, black belt, sneakers. Oh, and it helps to be black. If you choose to do the blackface thing, you’d better know the room you’re headed into. In fact, just forget I said anything about that.

Another Fat Guy

Pick another fat guy you know. Dress like that guy. Bonus points if you are going to a party that said fat guy will attend. There is nothing funnier than seeing a dude walk in wearing his “I had to work right up until time for the party and couldn’t go home to change” clothes, only to find himself staring back at him from across the room.

Don’t be the guy who wears an excuse. Be the guy who dares anyone to feel sorry for him. Let the other guy feel uncomfortable. Take home the prize.

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